Traits you didn't know you wanted
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Vanyl
The Elusive Beauty
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Joined: 23 Feb 2004, 01:12

Traits you didn't know you wanted

by Vanyl » 20 May 2015, 10:49

So this came about as I've been doing some internal assessment of what I want in a relationship and a partner. I've since asked a few friends and my mom this question and it has given me some really interesting insights into them and their relationships. When I say traits below, I mean anything about a partner, that can be habits, skills, physique, personality, anything really (as you'll see from my examples).

What traits did you only realize you wanted in your partner after you entered your relationship?

Some examples of how I self-answered this during my introspection:
  • Has as big or bigger food appetite than me [This turned out to be a big deal and I never knew it until now]
  • Is handy around the house and isn't afraid of killing bugs
  • Likes driving
  • Not hairy
  • Big arms/broad shoulders
  • Taller than me in heels
  • Doesn't mind doing the "man" things like taking my car in or going with me when I do
The deeper darker me ever grows,
Until the light burns it apart,
Leaving behind my scorched and naked heart.

"Those who submit are not always weak" - Hyacinth

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Neo
The One
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Joined: 30 Jan 2004, 16:44
Location: Plano, TX

Re: Traits you didn't know you wanted

by Neo » 20 May 2015, 22:33

I spent the majority of my life living with my mother and step dad - so my views on what I wanted in a partner, and what I was supposed to bring to the relationship were skewed, and dramatically off - especially in my role.

Over time, the manifestation of the traits changed, but most of their core reason for desiring them remained the same...
  • Someone with similar political, religious, and family views. This one became more obvious as my views in those areas changed during my adult life
  • Attractive, to me - and not in a superficial way. I didn't realize this until high school when I was crushing on a "cute" girl that others may not have found attractive.
  • Someone who knew how to take care of the day-to-day responsibilities of living on their own. After finding out people made it to college and didn't know how to do their own laundry because their parents always did it, this became a requirement.
  • Someone who shared a lot of personality traits, but also was my opposite (Sagittarius was a really close fit, but it turned out I required another Gemini) I didn't find this out until 2007 and became close friends with BinaryAngel who was a gemini...very much the same as me, but slightly different. She married a Sagittarian.
  • Had never been a smoker (this one used to include virgin and drinker...until I realized how unrealistic that was...and broke them myself). I dated a couple smokers, and found this was the only one I could not allow - at a certain point during kissing, the air from the deep lungs makes it way out, and just ruins the mood.
  • Is not an imposing vegetarian or vegan - I need to have meat in the house, and in the meals. GlennCoco could probably live her life just find without ever eating meat again, but I need to have it. I do a lot of brain work, and need a lot of protein or my mind slows down - I did experiments with this in 2007 to eat particular foods when my body needed them, because I was too poor for food.
There are some traits that I never could shake in all my relationships though - I didn't search them out, but I always encountered them. For example, every girl I dated from college onward had a food allergy/intolerance of some kind, and they were all brunette - except for my wife. So, I didn't "want" these traits, but they are traits I always ended up with.
Vanyl wrote: Has as big or bigger food appetite than me
I never considered this - I guess I've always had a bigger appetite the majority of my life. I can see how this would be a difficult thing mentally if someone remarked how much you're eating, when you find it normal, or feel hungry enough to eat it.
"Because I choose to."
[[Neo]]

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Vanyl
The Elusive Beauty
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Joined: 23 Feb 2004, 01:12

Re: Traits you didn't know you wanted

by Vanyl » 22 May 2015, 12:59

Neo wrote:I never considered this - I guess I've always had a bigger appetite the majority of my life. I can see how this would be a difficult thing mentally if someone remarked how much you're eating, when you find it normal, or feel hungry enough to eat it.
I t fr me it ties a lot into how I perceive gender roles. I'm a slow eater but I eat a lot. It's one of the first things people comment on when they meet me and food is involved. But I find that I associate large eating habits to masculinity. Someone who can't eat as much as I can tends to make me feel like the man in the situation, and while that's ok with friends, it's not something I could handle routinely in a relationship.
The deeper darker me ever grows,
Until the light burns it apart,
Leaving behind my scorched and naked heart.

"Those who submit are not always weak" - Hyacinth

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